I think thus far this has been one of the most eye opening challenges for myself. The book used a quote that really makes you think about how we approach problems in relationships:
"Avoid viewing conflict as a sign that there must be something wrong with the relationship. Instead view conflict as an opportunity for growth."
So many of us do not do conflict-so this makes it hard to be there in the middle of a conflict. I am not afraid of conflict-but lately in some of my relationships when it gets heated or emotional I just walk away or tune it out and try not to let it bother me anymore. I would rather just not deal with it than to knowingly say my piece and have the other person be mad at me. So while it may be all nice and dandy because I didn't bring up what was bothering me, I wasn't doing myself any favors. Every time you suppress a tough issue in a relationship in order to avoid conflict, you pay for it in the end. Avoidance eventually undermines the integrity of the whole relationship and keeps it on a superficial level. You create the problems that keep reoccurring. I have always said you can't get mad at someone for doing and acting in a way that you never told them hurt or bothered you-so why then do we all still let this happen? It's important if you want to have a relationship that is not surface level with anyone that you are willing to face the difficult issues and stay engaged until you work through them.
Communicating about tough issues is a lot like playing a game of Ping-Pong. It's actually the perfect metaphor for today's topic. Many times when one person gets up the courage to talk about something that's really bothering them, the other person decides to ignore the problem. Think about it how frustrating would it be if you were playing ping-pong and every time you served, your opponent let the ball drop off the table and never hit it back? You wouldn't want to play with them anymore (considering you weren't really playing). Another way we handle conflict is that we force a quick conclusion. We still really aren't participating in the game because we are just trying to rush it and end it quickly.
So how do you approach the uncomfortable topics?
1) Careful beginnings: Consider starting with introductory questions like.."Do we have a problem?, or "Can we talk about something?" I think the hardest thing about conflict is the beginning-getting it out their and known. We often set ourselves up for failure because we use negative or accusatory words right out of the cage. Don't do this-we don't want to kill the relationship, so don't open with something that could.
2) Shared feelings: "This is what I'm feeling, do you feel the same way?" You are including the other person and their side of the issue at hand. You cannot argue someone's feelings-they are what they are, so this opens that door up so they can understand what is going on and you can too.
3) Real Listening: James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Think about how many of us do the exact opposite! We are quick to speak and we get angry, and are slow to listen. Most of the time we hear what the other person is saying, but we aren't really listening or we are already on the defense and thinking about what we can say back to them-missing everything. To make progress you need to listen beneath the words-and realizing what is being said is often only the top of the huge iceberg.
4) Reflecting Truth: So many arguments are based on impressions and exaggerations of what others actually think or feels. Sometimes its been built up for so long they have created a whole new truth that isn't really there.
5) Taking Turns: Make sure when you actually give the other person a turn you aren't busy composing your response and really listen to them.
6) Six Words: "I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" Trust me those can be tough words to say, and it isn't always appropriate to say them. But sometimes we are wrong. Make sure though that you mean it-don't throw around an I'm sorry if you are going to just turn around and do the same thing again. It is not a band-aid.
Our culture says that conflict makes relationships too hard. That when there is a problem or disagreement, it means the relationship wasn't meant to be, and that you are not right for each other, it's time to move on. Love at Last sight says that conflict is a sign that a relationship is real. Conflict shows that you both care. So understand that sometimes why you get so angry when someone brings up something it may very well be because you care about them, and therefore care that they are hurt. Also it could be a sign of guilt that you know you are in the wrong and it's easier to get mad about it than accept the wrong doing.
Work through conflicts-it really does make a relationship stronger in the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment